Day 2

Here I am once again. Knowing I should write, but without an inkling as to what I should write. Spring Break begins today for my little part of the world. I however have to work this week or at least try to show some minute semblance of it. I'm contemplating a road trip. I wanted to visit Dallas this week, but with so much going on, it just doesn't look like it's going to happen.

There's a wedding tomorrow. I hate weddings. All those "shiny happy people laughing." Makes a lone ranger such as myself feel even more alone. Interesting how a person can feel alone even in the midst of a large crowd. Hmm maybe I'll post that poem...at the end.

I attended a quinceanera last week. A quinceanera is a traditional Mexican birthday celebration to mark the beggining of adulthood. It is in a sense, similar to the American Sweet Sixteen celebration. Again, I was surrounded by all this joy and delight. Having no one to dance with, I settled into my seat to watch my children dance and play. I soon realized I was seated near my 2nd grade teacher Ms. Williams. I hadn't seen her in ages. We talked a bit. As the evening progressed I saw more people I knew and had more little conversations. In a town of less than 2,000 people, you get to know quite a few of them. My kindergarten teacher is now my eldest daughter's creative writing coach. I've worked in the school district with some of my ex-teachers. By the end of the night I finally realized, after 27 years of living here...I have a history here, I'm known.

I then realized that when I move, I'll have none of that. It was a sobering thought. Yes, I'll have family in Dallas, but I won't really have a history. The neighbors won't know my kids or who their father is...heh maybe that's a good thing.

I have a great deal of anxiety about moving. Every day there is something more that I realize I will no longer have. However, in moving, I hope I will be able to create new opportunities and adventures. And that's all I have to say about that...for now.

Now, in regards to feeling alone in a crowd.

Epiphany

Have you ever felt that all you loved was lost
Or that all you thought was real…was not
The weight of a thousand worlds
Sitting silently on your back

Have you ever wished for peace in a world of chaos
Watching people pass by unaware
Of all the affliction around them
Blinded by their own twisted reality

Have you ever sat in solitude
And watched the world go by
Hoping that maybe just one of them
Would stop and tell you hi

Have you ever felt alone
Suffocated in the silence
Among a bustling crowd
Full of noises and violence

Have you ever wondered why
You exist to this very day
Your breaths unceasing
Your heart ever beating

Have you ever been afraid
Of life and love and death
And wished it all to end
Only to find that

Life is good
You are indeed loved
And death is just a beginning

I know I have....

I really think that as our human race has evolved and become so much more reliant on technology, we've also become a lot more self involved. I know I can be a times. It's rare these days to have that feeling of familiarity with anyone. The quinceanera was a rare exception to the many times I've felt alone in a crowd.

As I think about it, even though I have that history here, that "familiarity", it is in fact a false sense of familiarity. Because, let's face it. These people don't "know" me. Hell, my family hardly even knows me. Not because I don't put forth the true face of who I am, but because they either fail to see it, or don't care enough to really look.