Intro/Retro-spection

Amazing how introspection can lead to retrospection and then lightbulbs start to go off lighting a path that was once darkened.

Before you begin, this rant is a bit petty and deals with personal issues. If you'd rather not read that, this is your warning. :)

We all tend to get bad habits from parents. Many of us end up parenting the way they did, even if we don't wholeheartedly agree with how they did it. As I drove home this morning I was thinking of my youngest sister and how, when she visits, she's such a child. She is 21 and has been away at college since she graduated at 18. Plenty of time to cut the proverbial cord, right? WRONG! Last night as i walked though our living room she was sitting on the sofa next to mom, practically in her lap. An odd sight, considering my sister is taller and bigger than my little momma. Her visits always end up in ploys from attention from my mother, and jealous rants with my children. I know...I'm way too old to be living at home. I agree. And I'm working dillgently to change that. :) I'm trying to work out in my head, what my true feelings are about my little sister though. I know I'm annoyed by her constant need and cries for attention from my mother. And I know I'm annoyed that her need is almost always met, whether mom is happy about it or not.

I tend to be distant from my family. There were three children. I was the oldest. I got sick when I was five, so while I was ill, I got a lot of attention. As I got older, though it sounds petty, it seemed that because they felt guilty for having to give me so much attention, they began to each favor and bond with one of my sisters. The youngest had mom, the middle child had dad.

My mother has never been the type to display or verbalize affection. Its very rare. However, my youngest sister gets the hugs and lovin'. She asks for it though, almost begs at times. I won't do that. It would be nice to get a hug now and then, though. See this is the dilema. I think I'm jealous that my sister gets the kind of attention she does. Petty, petty, petty. Tsk, tsk, tsk, and shame on me. But that is what it is I suppose.

In my dealings with my children, I find that sometimes, I have that same coldness that my mom does. Something I loathe. Being here brings it out more and more, and I'll be glad to be leaving that influence behind when I move.

I love my children dearly. In retrospect, I know I don't always handle things as best I could. It's funny to think that at this age I'm still learning about myself and how I handle situations and how to better my reactions.

I'm realizing more and more, how my family life has influenced who I am, my trust issues, and air of "arrogance" as some people call it. Truth of the matter is, it's just a manner of security for me. Don't talk to too many people, less people to deal with, less chance of getting screwed over by 'em. Heh.

Well that's my rant for this morning. Only about three of my friends know about this blog. Only one of them knows all my issues. Hope I don't scare the other two. You know who you are...