Ahhh

In the Dallas area now. Moving was...stressful. I thought James was gonna totally wig out with all the stuff that went wrong. But he didn't. He got close, though. Gotta love best friends. It was an amazing experience overall. Trying and emotional, but overall it was definitely a good experience. James and I finally got to spend some real time together and hang out AND he finally got to meet my daughters. We miss him now that he's gone back home. I miss how my dog growled at him and the girls miss tickling him. So, when ya read this, James, know that we love ya and miss ya!

As for living in the city...it's been a bit crazy. People drive like maniacs around here. I'm still nervous about driving around here. It's very different from what I'm used to. Need to look for a job soon. Kids start school in the middle of August. So, there's many more changes yet to come. I'm just tryin to adjust a little at a time.

As moving day approaches....

I seem to be a mess of emotions. Happy and excited, yet sad and melancholy because I know I'll miss the old familiarities of "home". I went to the store tonight to get even more boxes and cried the whole way over there. I'm really going to miss those evening drives where there's nothin' out there but fields and sky. I wonder if I'm cut out for city life, for life outside of this little box of a town.

James will be here in a couple of days to help me move. He and other friends keep encouraging me and trying to lift my spirits when I get those pre-homesick jitters. As much as I bitch and complain about mom, I'm gonna miss her. And it breaks my heart to know how much my kids will miss her. It kills me to know they will hurt. They've been through so much pain already. I feel selfish sometimes, for wanting to move. I'm afraid that it will hurt them more than offer them the opportunities I so wish them to have.

Their father infuriates me. He's yet to see them in the last month. Well he did, for about 5 minutes, on accident. I called him late last week to remind him that we leave on Monday. He hasn't called them. My oldest cried tonight for him, and wanted a picture of him so she could sleep. It saddens me so much that she needs a picture of him to try to comfort herself and fill that void that he has left. He's missing so much and doesn't even know it. How do you make someone see that they're losing those bonds with their children? Is it possible? I hate what he does to them and I hate that he has no idea what he does to them.

I'm sad...no one to call...no one to talk to. Going to bed...moving day approaches...and I've much yet to do.