Ramblings

I'm oversensitive, or so I've been told. Despite all my efforts, I've been unable to get past this character flaw. I love too deeply, care too much. Someone recently told me he thought I was the purest of souls, true to everyone and to myself and my kids, and that he didn’t know anyone with a bigger heart. It was a sweet thought. However, I think perhaps it's my inability to be true to myself that keeps me single and lonesome and in my own world of solitary confinement. It's amazing to look back on my past loves and realize how often I choose someone who is unable or unwilling to commit to a relationship with me. I suppose it's something I do unconsciously. If they're unavailable I know I can expect to be let down…hence, although I get hurt, I'm really not blown away by a breakup or failed relationship. It's fucked up.

I'm not sure what to do. I've always felt it was best to love completely…to not hold back. Who knows if tomorrow will come? Right?

So why can't I find someone who is completely available to love me the same way? Wish I knew. Or maybe I do. They say you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. While I'm getting better at that, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be completely comfortable in my skin.

I'm rambling. Trying to let this funk flow out into my writings. I love, but can't be loved back the same. That's the way it always is. And I do this to myself. Every time.