It's sooo time to go back

Tomorrow I go back "home" to Dallas. Joy! Being "home home" depresses me. I'll be glad to be going back where I don't feel so blah. It was nice seeing my family again. But still, there's a certain value to the physical distance I've put between us. Here I get talked to like I'm unimportant and in the way. I've hardly seen my father. He stays away most of the day. Mom's in a constant "mood"; I don't even know what kind it is. Sister is incessantly badgering her poor boyfriend. Heh. And then there's the sibling rivalry. I'm a bit old to feel it, but coming home, it's so easy to fall back into it. It's just that anything that is done for me is a chore, an inconvenience, but things done for my other sister are not. They're done with love and cheer. Again, I feel unwanted, in the way, like an outsider.

Christmas Eve

Christmas # 28 for me this year. I'm sad to say that the bliss of the holiday season has diminished over the years. I don't know if it's the commercialism of it all or if it's the family spats and dirty looks, glares, and subtle implications of discontent regarding my ways of mothering that I get from my own dear mother, or if it's being single yet another Christmas. Most likely it's a "capirotada", a combination of all those things. I'm at a loss for ways of resolving this perturbation and ickiness between me and my parental units and siblings. Grrr. There that's a little better, wait no, maybe it's not. Grrr. Yeah, I'm right, not helping one bit. *sigh*

Just another night

It's been a while since my last post. It seems it's taking me longer and longer to publish anything on here. That's how it usually is though. I start of really well and it all sort of fizzles out.

So, updates...

Not workin anymore. Facility closed due to lack of federal and/or state funding. Temporarily that is, until after the winter season. Going home for Christmas break.

Kids are drivin me nuts. I'm gettin to my wits end ... yet again.

Life has kept me busy yet somehow it still feels empty. It'd be nice to have someone to share my days with. Someone old enough to know about life and its ups and downs and would be ok with me freakin' out sometimes. :)

That's about all for now. Oh yes, my best friend is going back to Iraq. :(
I'll miss him dearly. May the Lord watch over you and keep you safe Mr. Cape Maker.

I'll be...hmm what will I be?

You know how when you were younger, people would always ask what you wanted to be when you grew up. Do you ever wonder, now as a grown up, what you'll really be. I know I still do. I always thought I'd be married with kids living in my little home town, with a nice stable career. A quaint little life.

Funny how life happens.

Despite all you planned, all you'd hoped for, life really does happen and take on a whole "life" of it's own.

I'm not really sure what it is I'm feeling. A tinge of sadness, of melancholy, nostalgia, loneliness and who knows what other silly emotions. It sounds so cliche but it's like one day you just wake up and realize you're much older than what you used to be and half the stuff you'd planned on accomplishing hasn't been accomplished or just isn't all that important anymore.

Time seems to have zoomed by. I've done the marriage thing. Been there, done that. I'm divorced now thank you very much. Kids, I've get em. Career, well I'll have that. Some day. Gotta finish the whole edumacation thing first. And honestly, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. Nothing. At all. I'm still tryin' to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I finally did get my degree. I hope to start working on the next step in my education soon. Not married, but I do have my girls. But still no relationship to speak of. Which is really startin' bum me out. lol. I have to admit, it would be kinda nice to have someone just to be there when stuff gets icky. Heh, icky, mommy word. Then there are those times when I'm really glad I don't have to deal with the stresses of a relationship on top of everything else.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I keep hoping it will turn out better than I had planned it to. I guess only time will tell.