Easter Egg Hunt 

Another Day Another Drama

Me again...Easter Sunday. While I appreciate the meaning of the day...it was another holiday with yet another family gathering. Mom gets bitchy and starts her cleaning frenzy. Fun, fun, fun. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I did enjoy watching the girls hunt eggs, and, all in all, the family got along fairly well.

The girls had a blast and didn't even realize their father neglected to call them to wish them a Happy Easter...I wonder if they'll realize it tomorrow. ...she's here for a chat...says "Mommy I miss my daddy, he didn't even pick us up for Easter. He didn't even pick up (insert my youngest daughter's name here)for her birthday. She must be telepathically linked to me. lol. I hate these conversations. I never know how to make up for his selfishness and pathetic parenting skills. I suppose it's not my problem to make up for. It hurts my children. It hurts me.

She asks if she can call him...so I dial. No answer. So tonight she'll miss him again.

On our way to the movies tonight, I pictured him doing the daddy thing with his boys. I wondered how he could go through all the motions with them, and not feel compelled to call his daughters. Actually, I do know how he could do it. He's forgotten. He forgot to call on my daughter's birthday. He'll forget more often as time goes by.

It makes me sad that they won't have that father figure as young children. Makes me feel inadequate...like I've failed them somehow. I know it wasn't my failure...I know that...but I don't feel that.

Simply Maaaa-velous

Ever feel content and can't quite figure out why? I suppose it's a good thing to feel content. But, I end up worried about what's going to kill my good mood. It's been a long day, I'm tired, but yet somehow, there is a feeling of "happy" surrounding me.

The kids and I made up a silly little hmm limerick...poem...not sure what you'd call it, but here it is:

when i close my i see
your face staring back at me
then i wake up in the night
screaming with a terrible fright
oh what a scary sight!

I think I'll end this entry on that note. lol. Goodnight.

My daughters have talent...they can break anything in 2 seconds flat. Hehehe. Now that's talent. I've recently discovered that my 8 year old loves to disassemble things. Until now, I thought she just liked to break stuff. But she's seems to have found a new hobby of taking things apart to see how they work. My youngest on the other hand...still just breaks things.

They sleep on bunk beds. The top bunk is in close proximity to a ceiling fan that is no longer operational. Now, a couple months back, she decided to play with the ceiling fan. She did this until I heard a crash from the other room. I hurried to their room to see what was amiss. As I walk in, I see a yellow ceiling fan blade lying on the floor of her room, and two little girls looking ever so guilty. So I got mad at her, yelled a bit, explained why it was dangerous to play with the ceiling fan, etc. And that was that. Oh yeah, this happened only a week after my other daughter, miraculously knocked over a grandfather clock with ping pong ball. Don't ask...I still don't know the real story. She claims to have been playing "golf" with a ping pong ball, and says the ball hit the clock and the clock fell over. So after a good yellin' and a good talkin' to about the hazards of playing such games, I thought they'd understood...

Well, tonight, my oldest comes over to me as I'm about to sit down to dinner and she says, "Mommy, (insert my youngest's name here) has something to tell you, and its not good." So, my sister and my parents are sitting there looking at me. I lean over so my youngest can whisper in my ear and confess her wrongdoing. She's so upset I can't make out what she's saying, so I follow her to their room. And there it is...another ceiling fan blade on the floor. So, I yell at her...mostly because I know if my mother doesn't hear me do it...it'll be worse for my child when my mom decides to yell at her. *sigh*

Having said that, throughout dinner, my sister had the TV on, with "Hope Floats" playin in the background. It's a heartwrenching movie, especially for a single mom. My kids miss their dad very much, my oldest especially. We've been a family of 3 instead of 4, for quite some time now; it's been near four years already, but, it's still hard on them. It hurts not being able to ease that pain for them, not being able to make it go away, or make him be a better father.

So, I try to help them cope as best I can. Tell 'em I love 'em and that I'll always be here for them. Sometimes, it just doesn't seem like it's enough though.

My kids aren't angels, but they're not demon children either. They're good kids. I wish my mom and my sister would give 'em more credit.

Me and the girls 

I'm tired today...not much to say or vent about. It's one of those days where the loneliness creeps in and lingers. House full of people...yet I was alone. It's such a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by family and feel that no one knows you.

Everyone is now off for Spring Break. I work tomorrow, I guess that's a good thing.

Well...the wedding wasn't so bad. It was actually a bit amusing. Everything just seemed sort of awkward. My cousin, the bride, was extremely nervous. Things just didn't flow well. Anyhow, we settled in. Once the music started, I pursuaded my youngest to go dance. And dance she did. She wiggled and threw her hands up in the air and shook her shoulders...it was quite a sight to see. We laughed and danced and just had a good time. Like I said...not a bad night.

Sleep didn't come easily last night. I tossed and turned for a while before I decided to put on "Along Came Polly". That movie always gives me such insight about living life and having fun living it. I'm glad I own it. It reminds me now and then not to be so serious and to try new things. I finally got to sleep around 4 am. I'm a bit frazzled right now because of it.

Took the kids to the park and the neighbor's daughter as well. They played while I read. I started a new book called "The Tale of Despereaux." It's a children's book, but quite a lengthy one. So far, it's fantastic. It's about a mouse...who is unlike other mice, and therefore an outcast. I love books like this. They inspire me. :)

Oh! My youngest caught the bouquet...at the reception tonight. She got teased and cried...poor thing, she's so oversensitive sometimes. I explained to her that it was a sort of game...and there was no reason to get all upset over a little game. She was content and fell asleep on the ride home.

The silly goose.

That's all for now. Time to read, then sleep.

Intro/Retro-spection

Amazing how introspection can lead to retrospection and then lightbulbs start to go off lighting a path that was once darkened.

Before you begin, this rant is a bit petty and deals with personal issues. If you'd rather not read that, this is your warning. :)

We all tend to get bad habits from parents. Many of us end up parenting the way they did, even if we don't wholeheartedly agree with how they did it. As I drove home this morning I was thinking of my youngest sister and how, when she visits, she's such a child. She is 21 and has been away at college since she graduated at 18. Plenty of time to cut the proverbial cord, right? WRONG! Last night as i walked though our living room she was sitting on the sofa next to mom, practically in her lap. An odd sight, considering my sister is taller and bigger than my little momma. Her visits always end up in ploys from attention from my mother, and jealous rants with my children. I know...I'm way too old to be living at home. I agree. And I'm working dillgently to change that. :) I'm trying to work out in my head, what my true feelings are about my little sister though. I know I'm annoyed by her constant need and cries for attention from my mother. And I know I'm annoyed that her need is almost always met, whether mom is happy about it or not.

I tend to be distant from my family. There were three children. I was the oldest. I got sick when I was five, so while I was ill, I got a lot of attention. As I got older, though it sounds petty, it seemed that because they felt guilty for having to give me so much attention, they began to each favor and bond with one of my sisters. The youngest had mom, the middle child had dad.

My mother has never been the type to display or verbalize affection. Its very rare. However, my youngest sister gets the hugs and lovin'. She asks for it though, almost begs at times. I won't do that. It would be nice to get a hug now and then, though. See this is the dilema. I think I'm jealous that my sister gets the kind of attention she does. Petty, petty, petty. Tsk, tsk, tsk, and shame on me. But that is what it is I suppose.

In my dealings with my children, I find that sometimes, I have that same coldness that my mom does. Something I loathe. Being here brings it out more and more, and I'll be glad to be leaving that influence behind when I move.

I love my children dearly. In retrospect, I know I don't always handle things as best I could. It's funny to think that at this age I'm still learning about myself and how I handle situations and how to better my reactions.

I'm realizing more and more, how my family life has influenced who I am, my trust issues, and air of "arrogance" as some people call it. Truth of the matter is, it's just a manner of security for me. Don't talk to too many people, less people to deal with, less chance of getting screwed over by 'em. Heh.

Well that's my rant for this morning. Only about three of my friends know about this blog. Only one of them knows all my issues. Hope I don't scare the other two. You know who you are...

Day 2

Here I am once again. Knowing I should write, but without an inkling as to what I should write. Spring Break begins today for my little part of the world. I however have to work this week or at least try to show some minute semblance of it. I'm contemplating a road trip. I wanted to visit Dallas this week, but with so much going on, it just doesn't look like it's going to happen.

There's a wedding tomorrow. I hate weddings. All those "shiny happy people laughing." Makes a lone ranger such as myself feel even more alone. Interesting how a person can feel alone even in the midst of a large crowd. Hmm maybe I'll post that poem...at the end.

I attended a quinceanera last week. A quinceanera is a traditional Mexican birthday celebration to mark the beggining of adulthood. It is in a sense, similar to the American Sweet Sixteen celebration. Again, I was surrounded by all this joy and delight. Having no one to dance with, I settled into my seat to watch my children dance and play. I soon realized I was seated near my 2nd grade teacher Ms. Williams. I hadn't seen her in ages. We talked a bit. As the evening progressed I saw more people I knew and had more little conversations. In a town of less than 2,000 people, you get to know quite a few of them. My kindergarten teacher is now my eldest daughter's creative writing coach. I've worked in the school district with some of my ex-teachers. By the end of the night I finally realized, after 27 years of living here...I have a history here, I'm known.

I then realized that when I move, I'll have none of that. It was a sobering thought. Yes, I'll have family in Dallas, but I won't really have a history. The neighbors won't know my kids or who their father is...heh maybe that's a good thing.

I have a great deal of anxiety about moving. Every day there is something more that I realize I will no longer have. However, in moving, I hope I will be able to create new opportunities and adventures. And that's all I have to say about that...for now.

Now, in regards to feeling alone in a crowd.

Epiphany

Have you ever felt that all you loved was lost
Or that all you thought was real…was not
The weight of a thousand worlds
Sitting silently on your back

Have you ever wished for peace in a world of chaos
Watching people pass by unaware
Of all the affliction around them
Blinded by their own twisted reality

Have you ever sat in solitude
And watched the world go by
Hoping that maybe just one of them
Would stop and tell you hi

Have you ever felt alone
Suffocated in the silence
Among a bustling crowd
Full of noises and violence

Have you ever wondered why
You exist to this very day
Your breaths unceasing
Your heart ever beating

Have you ever been afraid
Of life and love and death
And wished it all to end
Only to find that

Life is good
You are indeed loved
And death is just a beginning

I know I have....

I really think that as our human race has evolved and become so much more reliant on technology, we've also become a lot more self involved. I know I can be a times. It's rare these days to have that feeling of familiarity with anyone. The quinceanera was a rare exception to the many times I've felt alone in a crowd.

As I think about it, even though I have that history here, that "familiarity", it is in fact a false sense of familiarity. Because, let's face it. These people don't "know" me. Hell, my family hardly even knows me. Not because I don't put forth the true face of who I am, but because they either fail to see it, or don't care enough to really look.

me again 

Me 

Ink of Tears

I haven't written in a long time. It never is easy to start back up again. I'm not even sure where to start or what to write about. Besides, what could be so interesting about me or my life that it warrants being published.

Work was annoyingly busy today. More than it has been...ever. I have at least a 30 minute drive home every day. Gives me more than an adequate amount of time to ponder life's issues and woes.

So today, after an exhausting day, I realize sadly that it is more hassle to go home than it is to be at work. Coming home means no peace, no tranquility, no saneness until the wee hours of the morning when at last my mind settles and everyone is quietly tucked away in their beds.

Home should be a place of refuge, of solace, and comfort from all that we encounter in our lives. For me it is just another place of chaos and turmoil. There is no feeling of warmth or love here. I heard once that it is up to each of us to create that feeling of warmth and love in our homes. But how can you do that when you're up against a family torn by deceit and lack of trust and tenderness. I'm at a loss. Have been for years.

I moved here about 2 years ago after my divorce. I couldn't bear to remain in our house, so I moved into an apartment with my two children. They were 2 and 4 years old at the time. I decided about a year after my divorce that I wanted to return to school full time and finally finish my education. Having two children and no income, I did all I thought I could and moved back in with mom and dad. I'd been on my own (though married) for about 4 years. It was definitely a difficult decision. One that's haunted me on and off for the last couple of years since moving back. It isn't my home anymore. It's a place to sleep and have the occasional breakfast and dinner. When I lived in the apartment, I was happy and content. My children didn't get yelled at. We lived in harmony. Something we hadn't had in years. After moving back here that all changed. The confidence I'd gained in myself began to dwindle and dissolve. Again I was living with turmoil, arguments, mistrust...all the things I wanted to get away from when I was married. And again...I long to distance myself from the chaos that is my domicile. I stuck it out through school and am working full time again. Hope to move this summer. Away. Hopefully to regain a sense of peace, tranquility, and self worth.

It's hard to understand how some families operate. I see some people with wonderful relationships among family members and I can't help but wonder what that's like...what it's like to get a hug everyday from a loved one...to be told you are loved everyday...to be shown that you are loved. It hurts that I don't have that and I fear that I will pass the coldness on to my children. That's why I have to leave. So that I can love again and remember what its like. I feel so isolated here. And while I know I create my own isolation, it seems to be for my protection too. Its like a fear of poison. A need to steer clear of the vemom of my family.

How harsh that sounds. Hurts to talk like that about family.

I read a love story today. Words of the purest love. Not of lust or sex or attraction. Love. Pure and simple. People have forgotten what that is. In our quest for "greatness" and money and power, we forget that hugs feel good, that ping pings need kissies when they have ouchies, and that lil pigs get cold and need hands to rub em and make em warm. We forget that sometimes, we all have bad days and that sometimes a smile can make a world of difference or a sharp word can mean a world of pain.

I don't write. Because the times I allow myself to write are the times the hurt is the worst. It's a bit silly but I'm almost always in tears when I write anything of significance. But here it is. Written in teary ink. And that's ok. Cuz as Sunny says, "Tears make the best ink ;)." Thanks for encouraging me to do this and being the inspiration for tonight.

Blogging

Here it goes...anothere chance at blogging...publishing the inner workings of my mind. A scary thought. Where to begin?