Argh!!!

Somewhere in me is a happy woman. There has to be. Where she is, Lord only knows.

I feel the need to write, but I have no idea what to say or what to express.

Yay for comedy flicks and family!

So, I moped around for a while and had my little battle with self-pity. Then took out my guitar and learned a new song and showed my "new" cousins what a guitar was. Watched a little TV. "Dead Like Me". Quite an interesting show. Funny and insightful. Helped me to realize that what I'm doing right now, in all aspects of my life, are things that I want to do for me and for my family. I'm perhaps really starting to do something for me. My road in life may not be easy, but at least I know that the people I have loved in my life, were genuinely loved. It may hurt to love sometimes, but it's better to love completely and risk getting hurt, than to never truly show your love to another person. In essence, loving completely is being true to yourself. At least that's how I feel about it right now.

My cousin and I went to a party tonight. Had laughs with friends, visited family, then watched a movie. It was good distraction. Fun distraction. I love laughing. Especially when your tummy hurts so much from laughing that you think you'll never be able to breathe again. It's great.

Gotta keep reminding myself that life is about living and doing those things which make us happy and taking risks so that there's no regrets later about what wasn't tried or what I didn't do in life.

Ramblings

I'm oversensitive, or so I've been told. Despite all my efforts, I've been unable to get past this character flaw. I love too deeply, care too much. Someone recently told me he thought I was the purest of souls, true to everyone and to myself and my kids, and that he didn’t know anyone with a bigger heart. It was a sweet thought. However, I think perhaps it's my inability to be true to myself that keeps me single and lonesome and in my own world of solitary confinement. It's amazing to look back on my past loves and realize how often I choose someone who is unable or unwilling to commit to a relationship with me. I suppose it's something I do unconsciously. If they're unavailable I know I can expect to be let down…hence, although I get hurt, I'm really not blown away by a breakup or failed relationship. It's fucked up.

I'm not sure what to do. I've always felt it was best to love completely…to not hold back. Who knows if tomorrow will come? Right?

So why can't I find someone who is completely available to love me the same way? Wish I knew. Or maybe I do. They say you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. While I'm getting better at that, I don't know if I'll ever be able to be completely comfortable in my skin.

I'm rambling. Trying to let this funk flow out into my writings. I love, but can't be loved back the same. That's the way it always is. And I do this to myself. Every time.